Things are just crazy right now.

I keep wanting to work on my story. I do what I can, but that doesn't tend to be much. Then, at the same time, it's like... everyone wants my attention, though the one person I want to want my attention, doesn't seem to want it. If that makes any sense?

Oh well. I'm just grateful for my friends and music. I plan on starting to record my songs :) I need some good distractions and maybe fame will do it ;) just kidding, I probably won't be famous. But that doesn't mean I can't try ^ ^

I still love him. So so so much. But, everything is just normal now. We're friends, we talk almost every day, and things are chill. I will NOT mess this up. Not now... not any time soon. Things need to heal over before anything happens, if even ever. So, yea.

Merry Christmas to you all :)

Love,
Ninja Specialist :3

Bleh! Someone tell me what's going on?!?

Ok. Basically, I'm just way uber tired from working all week long ^~^. Other than that... I actually had a really good week. :)

Except for one thing...

I'M GETTING MIXED MESSAGES HERE!!! He talks to me, he doesn't, he wants to talk, but doesn't know what to say. I mean, really?! Like it isn't hard enough working with his gf, now I have to deal with him too...
Yet, at the same time, I would rather be a bit annoyed and deal with it all than have him never speak to me. Is that sad? I think it's normal... 'cause my feelings, no matter how buried by distractions and such, are still there. Big time. And I can ignore them, that's for sure. So far, this whole "talking as friends" thing has been working out great. Well... ok, more like "ok", not great. But that's alright. It's better than him never speaking to me at all.

I have a parade tomorrow night called The Parade of Lights and I think I'm gonna decorate my drum with glow-sticks :D It's gonna be legit. It'll be cold, but I don't think I'll care much. As long as The Beast doesn't eat me while I march, I think we'll be all good.d(^-^)b

Gonna go for now. Hopefully, I can post on how the parade went by tomorrow night.
Laters!

Love,
Ninja Specialist :3

A broken heart and a Christmas Parade

So... a lot has happened recently. Probably more than I wanted to, but it's ok...

Basically, he's moved on. Even after all those promises. I called him, let off some steam, and hung up before he could say a word. It felt soooo great at first, but after a few hours, I just felt sad. All I ever wanted was for him to love me but... yea. oh well.

Tomorrow is our town's Christmas Parade. :) I'm excited for that. I get to march with my bass drum, Baby Texas, who I miss very much :D Other than that, I'm gonna splurge like, a hundred dollars on crap I don't need, and I'm gonna just have fun. :) That's pretty much how my day's going tomorrow... or, in this case, later today ^~^ But yea. :P

That's all I'm gonna say for now. Bye. :)

Love,

Ninja Specialist

Singing my life away

So, because of all the crap I've been going through, I keep searching for ways to escape all my craziness. :) My first solution, which always works, is music. I'm starting to push myself harder to learn to play my guitar that I've had for almost a year and only played it like... three times. :P I write a ton of songs and I decided on one that I plan on singing for the talent show at the end of my school year. It's going to be legit and I hope a certain person is there to hear it; I hope it gives him hell too.

I know, I know, that's totally messed up, but I think he needs to hear the song. It describes how I feel for him in ways I still haven't been able to describe in normal words. I just... want him to think. To try to understand where I'm coming from and just how deeply I feel for him. Right now I'm on the verge of saying, "I'm over you", but I know it's not true. That's the thing; not seeing him for this long, not getting to be held by him, look into his incredible eyes, and smile at him has been so rough for me. But, I know that my feelings might start to fade, but the moment I see him I feel like they explode out of me... I get completely scatter-brained. I lose it. And I love him in that stupid way that, no matter what he does to me, I know I'm going to love him. If that comes to be unhealthy, I'll move on, avoid him at all costs, and get over it.

But, until then, I'm going to keep singing. I'm going to continue to write songs about him in both anger and love, until he hears me and until he understands me.

Music is going to save me this time.

-Ninja Specialist

Someone else already?....

Wow. And to think he was going to love me forever. What a joke! He doesn't know that I know, but a friend told me what he told them and... let's just say that, because we've been apart for so long, he's starting to like someone else.

... I wish I wouldn't cry about it. But it sucks cause he promised to love me still. He said he'd come back in two years. Yet... I feel like he lied about that too just so he wouldn't hurt me as bad. Yet, it STILL hurts! I've been crying before sleeping almost every single night, wishing he could be next to me. I miss his smile and the way he'd talk to me. I miss how calming his voice was and the gentleness of his touch. But to him.... what was I to him really? Was I ever someone he loved? Because, for me, I still can't even look at another guy (aside from just my band friends and all) without thinking about him. I was sitting in the band room the other day and got this random, serious pain because I missed seeing him there. He doesn't realize...... who he is to me. And... I gave everything I could possibly give in my heart for him. I cared about him all the way down to my soul. And he's said he loved me just the same. Guess that was all a lie too huh? I should just move on.... but I don't know how to. That's the problem. I don't even come even the tiniest inch close to feeling the same for anyone else. I long for him to hold me... and now he's pushing me away. I was wrong...

I was all wrong...

-Ninja Specialist

Love?

In short, I don't know what love is right now. Does he still love me? I feel like he's losing his feelings for me. Oh well; I can't do anything right?

Well, if he ever reads this... I'll always love him. Not because he was my first kiss, but because he's always been there when I needed someone. He listens. He takes in what I have to say. He's crazy. He's creative. He's spontaneous like me. He always knows what to say. He's passionate. He's my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything and never feel judged or like I was being childish. He knows me, more than any other guy. He's him. And I love him for that. Not for physical reasons or the fact he was my first kiss. Sure, that might add to it, but I loved him before that. I knew I did....... I could feel it down to my soul. And I still feel it. So strongly.

I love him.

And, even though I cry myself to sleep almost every night, I'll smile just for him. Because he loves my smile. And he thinks I'm strong, so I'll stay strong. I'll fight this battle. And, even if he decides to keep going when the war is over, I'll just watch his back with the same smile. Nothing is going to change how I feel about him. Nothing will.

Love,
Ninja Specialist

When I Say Winslow, You Say Band!

Oh my gosh! best experience of my life today! I went to competition (it was more like a practice round of competition but STILL!) and we ROCKED it! :D We were the best ones there, but we supported the other bands. :) They weren't bad; our band needs work too. But, we're aiming for State this year! Got another competition coming up on Saturday, and I'm SO stoked!

The only downer?

I keep messing up. I made a promise and, in all my excitement from today, I kinda broke that... I just hope he isn't annoyed or frustrated with me. I'm truly trying... it's just hard when he's the only thing I can even think about half the time. :/
But whatever! I can deal! "You're strong; stronger than you give yourself credit for." That's what he told me...

For anyone that's ever been in love, know this: It's worth it.

Love,
Ninja Specialist

AHHHHH HOMEWORK!

I'm totally stressed right now! Stupid homework... I know I'm gonna have stuff I need to make up. I just really don't want to. :/ But I promised someone I would do well in school....... ah! frustration! It's just so hard right now! I need some motivation...... right at the moment? Not getting any.

Stupid homework.

-Ninja Specialist

Homecoming? Worth it :)

So, I didn't go with my brother. He never fessed up to me until fifteen minutes before the other girl he asked (kinda) was coming to our house. I was like, whatever I'll go by myself and have more fun than you. BUT, surprise surprise, my original date who was supposed to be outta town, calls me about five minutes to eight and asks if I still want to go with him because he just got back into town on time and would like to go. :) Let me just say, this kid made my night, and I know one day we'll be related because he is SO in love with my cousin. I grew up with him (in a way) so we're good friends and I'm glad I could hang out with him because he's just an all aorund good guy :)

I still wish I could've taken who I kinda planned to at the end of last year. I wanted to take him to ALL my dances this year. But, it's ok. :) Things are working out so far AND I got to hug him on Friday night's game. Didn't really talk, but I'm just glad he hugged me back when I ran over there. Sorry if this is confusing. I'm talking about a different guy than my best friend, homecoming date. But yea. :)

GTG! Running late for church :) Adios!

Love,
Ninja Specialist

People are stupid!

Ok. So i was gonna go to Homecoming with my brother right? since, the only guys I wanted to take either A) Graduated B) Won't be in town or C) Are already going with someone. (namely a girlfriend) SO I have no date to Homecoming. at all.

My freakin brother decided to ask someone else after he'd already asked me and I'd already said yes. Wow! Good to see how our boys are being raised these days.

I need a break from everyone.

-HN

Bummed...

I wish I could stop feeling sad. . .

But it's ok. I can push through this. I actually did a Bible Devotional today which, in all honesty, I haven't done in a long long time. And I really loved it and I feel a little calmer now. Not so... I don't know, not so hopeless I guess. I was feeling hopeless for a long time but... I'm feeling some hope now. It's a small amount, but it's still there. And, to me, that's worth everything. ^ ^

I started documenting my life today and I'll update a picture or two starting tomorrow. :) I'll try to get a video up as well. By the end of the summer, I want to be able to make a video of pictures and video clips to keep. ^ ^ That'd be really awesome, and I'd have some great memories to keep for my own. I had SO many people ask me if it was for the yearbook, but I was like, "Nope, it's for me." and when they asked me why, I just told them, "Because," and smiled all big. :) I just want to have memories and never forget a single moment. Life is important to me.

And I'm really kinda freaking out. My best friend is gonna be headed to Yavapai sometime. And I'm really happy for him! I've wanted him to go since he graduated because he loves soccer; he's passionate about it. But, I'm also afraid he'll forget about me since I'll be here... just gotta trust that won't happen I guess. No matter how hard that is. ^~^ We'll see... as long as he's doing well in life and living out his dreams to the fullest while he can, then I'm happy for him to be going. :) And distance is just that; distance. It can be closed if the effort is made. So, even if he goes and doesn't come back, I can always be all stalker status ;) and just go see him over there. :)

Hahaha this is one of my longest posts! XD I have a lot to say I guess.... a lot to get off my chest. Gotta go to bed. :P

Love,
Head Ninja

The song of my day..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn83Rb_EE8g

this is an awesome song by Fireflight. This band is amazing, and I hope if you listen, you'll like it as much as I do. there are other awesome songs by these guys as well. "Unbreakable" and "For Those Who Wait" are good as well.

I don't have much else to say at this point. Just that i'm a little better... though, I did cry at work a little. But that's ok, no one saw me. So yea, it's all good now. :P

Night ppls. Post again later tonight or tomorrow.

-Head Ninja

How long is this pain gonna last...?

I keep crying. I can't believe how hard this is. I try to stay busy with work and with school and marching band, just to keep my distracted. But almost every time I have time to myself, I get sad or angry or I just cry... the hole in my heart won't go away... and it hurts so badly. :'/
I'm always gonna love him... but I wish he hadn't done this to me.. to us. He was my home... the only place I could feel toatlly relaxed and at peace and... just safe. And I know he's fighting for me and that he still loves me... but these trials are so hard.
God, I can't stop crying! When is this pain gonna leave me alone?! I want it to heal so I can just be happy, but it's always lurking there in my heart and mind, never leaving me alone...
I love him...... so much....... I wish I could heal....... I wish I could heal........... I want him to hold me again.. to tell me everything's gonna be ok..... just like he always used to when something in my life was going wrong. But now...... I can't even see him or talk to him.......... can't even see his smile. hear his voice.... I hate this. I hate it...
sorry guys......... I gotta go. I just... I gotta go....

-HN

OMG!

I'm such a music fanatic!

Ok, I just love rock-stars. I really want to be one someday. And, I think my two favorites when it comes to how they sound and ESPECIALLY how they express their individuality, have to be Hayley Williams and Avril Lavigne. :) I like Avril's punk style and I wish I could get away with dressing that way. Hayley Williams has amazing hair and I love her voice. I look up to those two girl singers and I hope I can someday be up on a stage rocking out to the sound of guitars (hopefully one of my own as well), the pound of the bass drum from the drum-set, and the power I love to feel in my voice.

Whatcha guys think? :3 I'll try to post a video of my singing laters, but I dream of being up there someday. I'll stay me; I'll just be living out my dream. :) :)

-Head Ninja

I'm Marching On..

So, I'm in my high school marching band. And I love it! hahaha. ^ ^ The only problem I really have right now with it is that I'm recently having issues working everything around... well, everything else. ^~^ Work, school, marching, it's all super crazy right now.

On top of all that, I've been having a slight emotional stuggle as well. There's someone I really want to see and talk to... but it's kinda forbidden. Like, not really, but in a way... it's hard to explain. But, even though it's hard, I'm getting through it. And so is he.

If he ever reads this, all I have to say is; I love you. Plain and simple. <3 ^ ^

So, here I am. I'm marching on, and I'll continue to do so. :)

Hahaha, sorry guys, kinda inexperienced in the whole Blog area. I used to have one on myspace. I still have it actually, but I used it as more of a journal 'cause I knew no one cared to read it very often. :P So, maybe I'll eventually get back into the swing of it. :)

Bye for now people! If something else comes to mind, I'll post it. :)

-Head Ninja