Someone else already?....

Wow. And to think he was going to love me forever. What a joke! He doesn't know that I know, but a friend told me what he told them and... let's just say that, because we've been apart for so long, he's starting to like someone else.

... I wish I wouldn't cry about it. But it sucks cause he promised to love me still. He said he'd come back in two years. Yet... I feel like he lied about that too just so he wouldn't hurt me as bad. Yet, it STILL hurts! I've been crying before sleeping almost every single night, wishing he could be next to me. I miss his smile and the way he'd talk to me. I miss how calming his voice was and the gentleness of his touch. But to him.... what was I to him really? Was I ever someone he loved? Because, for me, I still can't even look at another guy (aside from just my band friends and all) without thinking about him. I was sitting in the band room the other day and got this random, serious pain because I missed seeing him there. He doesn't realize...... who he is to me. And... I gave everything I could possibly give in my heart for him. I cared about him all the way down to my soul. And he's said he loved me just the same. Guess that was all a lie too huh? I should just move on.... but I don't know how to. That's the problem. I don't even come even the tiniest inch close to feeling the same for anyone else. I long for him to hold me... and now he's pushing me away. I was wrong...

I was all wrong...

-Ninja Specialist

Love?

In short, I don't know what love is right now. Does he still love me? I feel like he's losing his feelings for me. Oh well; I can't do anything right?

Well, if he ever reads this... I'll always love him. Not because he was my first kiss, but because he's always been there when I needed someone. He listens. He takes in what I have to say. He's crazy. He's creative. He's spontaneous like me. He always knows what to say. He's passionate. He's my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything and never feel judged or like I was being childish. He knows me, more than any other guy. He's him. And I love him for that. Not for physical reasons or the fact he was my first kiss. Sure, that might add to it, but I loved him before that. I knew I did....... I could feel it down to my soul. And I still feel it. So strongly.

I love him.

And, even though I cry myself to sleep almost every night, I'll smile just for him. Because he loves my smile. And he thinks I'm strong, so I'll stay strong. I'll fight this battle. And, even if he decides to keep going when the war is over, I'll just watch his back with the same smile. Nothing is going to change how I feel about him. Nothing will.

Love,
Ninja Specialist

How long is this pain gonna last...?

I keep crying. I can't believe how hard this is. I try to stay busy with work and with school and marching band, just to keep my distracted. But almost every time I have time to myself, I get sad or angry or I just cry... the hole in my heart won't go away... and it hurts so badly. :'/
I'm always gonna love him... but I wish he hadn't done this to me.. to us. He was my home... the only place I could feel toatlly relaxed and at peace and... just safe. And I know he's fighting for me and that he still loves me... but these trials are so hard.
God, I can't stop crying! When is this pain gonna leave me alone?! I want it to heal so I can just be happy, but it's always lurking there in my heart and mind, never leaving me alone...
I love him...... so much....... I wish I could heal....... I wish I could heal........... I want him to hold me again.. to tell me everything's gonna be ok..... just like he always used to when something in my life was going wrong. But now...... I can't even see him or talk to him.......... can't even see his smile. hear his voice.... I hate this. I hate it...
sorry guys......... I gotta go. I just... I gotta go....

-HN