People are stupid!

Ok. So i was gonna go to Homecoming with my brother right? since, the only guys I wanted to take either A) Graduated B) Won't be in town or C) Are already going with someone. (namely a girlfriend) SO I have no date to Homecoming. at all.

My freakin brother decided to ask someone else after he'd already asked me and I'd already said yes. Wow! Good to see how our boys are being raised these days.

I need a break from everyone.

-HN

Bummed...

I wish I could stop feeling sad. . .

But it's ok. I can push through this. I actually did a Bible Devotional today which, in all honesty, I haven't done in a long long time. And I really loved it and I feel a little calmer now. Not so... I don't know, not so hopeless I guess. I was feeling hopeless for a long time but... I'm feeling some hope now. It's a small amount, but it's still there. And, to me, that's worth everything. ^ ^

I started documenting my life today and I'll update a picture or two starting tomorrow. :) I'll try to get a video up as well. By the end of the summer, I want to be able to make a video of pictures and video clips to keep. ^ ^ That'd be really awesome, and I'd have some great memories to keep for my own. I had SO many people ask me if it was for the yearbook, but I was like, "Nope, it's for me." and when they asked me why, I just told them, "Because," and smiled all big. :) I just want to have memories and never forget a single moment. Life is important to me.

And I'm really kinda freaking out. My best friend is gonna be headed to Yavapai sometime. And I'm really happy for him! I've wanted him to go since he graduated because he loves soccer; he's passionate about it. But, I'm also afraid he'll forget about me since I'll be here... just gotta trust that won't happen I guess. No matter how hard that is. ^~^ We'll see... as long as he's doing well in life and living out his dreams to the fullest while he can, then I'm happy for him to be going. :) And distance is just that; distance. It can be closed if the effort is made. So, even if he goes and doesn't come back, I can always be all stalker status ;) and just go see him over there. :)

Hahaha this is one of my longest posts! XD I have a lot to say I guess.... a lot to get off my chest. Gotta go to bed. :P

Love,
Head Ninja

The song of my day..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn83Rb_EE8g

this is an awesome song by Fireflight. This band is amazing, and I hope if you listen, you'll like it as much as I do. there are other awesome songs by these guys as well. "Unbreakable" and "For Those Who Wait" are good as well.

I don't have much else to say at this point. Just that i'm a little better... though, I did cry at work a little. But that's ok, no one saw me. So yea, it's all good now. :P

Night ppls. Post again later tonight or tomorrow.

-Head Ninja

How long is this pain gonna last...?

I keep crying. I can't believe how hard this is. I try to stay busy with work and with school and marching band, just to keep my distracted. But almost every time I have time to myself, I get sad or angry or I just cry... the hole in my heart won't go away... and it hurts so badly. :'/
I'm always gonna love him... but I wish he hadn't done this to me.. to us. He was my home... the only place I could feel toatlly relaxed and at peace and... just safe. And I know he's fighting for me and that he still loves me... but these trials are so hard.
God, I can't stop crying! When is this pain gonna leave me alone?! I want it to heal so I can just be happy, but it's always lurking there in my heart and mind, never leaving me alone...
I love him...... so much....... I wish I could heal....... I wish I could heal........... I want him to hold me again.. to tell me everything's gonna be ok..... just like he always used to when something in my life was going wrong. But now...... I can't even see him or talk to him.......... can't even see his smile. hear his voice.... I hate this. I hate it...
sorry guys......... I gotta go. I just... I gotta go....

-HN