The Letter...

For You,
If I could take it all back, I would, if only to save myself. I could care less what you do anymore, and that's the God honest truth; but please, don't hurt me anymore in the process. I can only stay strong for so long. So, consider this moment, right now, the moment I let you go. Forever. I deserve better, you know it, so please... I am BEGGING you, if you don't love me anymore, just leave me be so the pain can truly go away... I'm tired of crying. Tired of hurting. And I can be strong to your face, but the reality is, behind my mask, all I do is bleed. If you ever read this... don't be angry. I've always wanted to talk this out with you, but I'm weak when it comes to you... you know me too well. Nothing I can say or do will make things the way they once were. So, I guess you could say I'm giving up; but I'm looking at is as moving on. I know I've said that about a million times by now, but I really need to. Nine months... that's what it's going on, you know that? I. Am. So. Tired. I never seem to run out of tears so I just told myself to stop altogether. Know what that did? My grades dropped. I stopped caring about everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. My music. School. My writing. My drawing which is something I cling to dearly because it helps me vent almost as much as singing does. I didn't care if I got to see my friends or not. I didn't care who talked to me or who didn't. I just walked around, not realizing just what was happening. Next thing I knew, I was arguing with my mom about my grades and I told her I was mad at myself, that I didn't know why I didn't care anymore. Then it hit me and I broke... almost as bad as I did in June and when you told me about liking someone else in.. I think November. Can't remember, don't care. But, I've decided to take my stand right now. I'm exhausted, you don't even understand. You may say you know what I'm going through, but you have no. freakin. idea. You're too self-centered and worried about what's happening to you to even look at me. To even try to understand just how I feel about everything. You only want me to stick around to keep your self-esteem up. What about mine, huh?! What about how much I hurt, how much I'm struggling to understand what's happening all around me. Well, guess what? I finally opened my eyes to see that I have people other than you who can help me. You only care about yourself... cause if you'd cared for me, things would've been WAY different than they are now. But..... something else I've noticed... we've BOTH changed. I hate fighting with you... no matter how small they are, I hate it. I wanted things to last, but you didn't. And, maybe you DID at one point, but that is no longer. And it's ok... seriously, I really DO want you happy. More than anything. . . but, for ME to be happy, I have to move away from you. Just seeing you sends my heart into a flurry I can't even stop, and it's unhealthy. I can't be around your family for too long or I know I'll cry, and that's something I told myself I'd stop doing a long time ago. I wanted to say this all in person... but I feel I speak better with the written word than the spoken one. I wanted to help you, to be happy with you, to LOVE you, to show you that no one knows you or loves you like I do. But, the answer is obvious now:

We weren't meant to be...

After the first couple months, the only thing I really wanted from you was a smile. An honest to God, you're my best friend, wish-things-coulda-been-different, smile. For your eyes to actually meet mine, because you can't hide there. I wanted honest words; didn't matter if they were cruel or kind, I just wanted honesty. I wanted to hug you one last time...These things can't happen, I know that. And it's ok. I've come to accept these things. I don't care if you never see this, it doesn't matter.

But please, if I ever meant anything to you, I'd like to speak. Once more... a last time. Maybe not for forever, but I can't stick around anymore. Not with everything happening in your life now; it's wrong and it'll make you look bad as well as me.

Please... if I EVER meant a thing to you... talk to me. With honesty. It's the last thing I ask of you...I'm sorry my love wasn't enough... I'm sorry, and I'd take it back if it would fix everything.

I'm so sorry for everything bad that ever happened... I'm sorry..And I know, deep down, there'll always be a place for you in my heart. That's just how first true love is, right?
-Ninja Specialist